Something Valuable

I learned something valuable yesterday.
Yesterday while I was on the phone with the boy who I want to believe I am madly in love with.
I learned something, that kind of hit me in the heart.
I have to quit.
Quit living life like a burden.
Quit thinking the worst on myself.
Quit thinking I am a pain to everyone.
Just quit.
I have to live life.

Live life.

I have to enjoy every day.
Every single damn day.
I have to embrace the rain.
The sun.
The wet grass.
Or maybe when I slip and fall on a couple wet leaves.
I just have to embrace everything.

Embrace it.

I can’t think that every day is something meant to be normal.
Normal isn’t what I do.
It hasn’t been since the beginning.
Most days are an adventure.
The rest of those days?
The rest of those days are the breaks home between road trip, hikes, and exploring.

I have to be me.

I have to be that girl.
The girl who everyone notices.
But in a good way.
The girl from next door.
The girl from the corner of the library.
Because no matter how many people I believe hate me, twice as many want to be like me.
I realized that to some people, I am the one they want to live like.
The girl who is carefree.
The girl who has her head stuck in the clouds.
The girl who loves.
The girl who laughs and cries.
The girl who doesn’t do anything out of spite.

The girl who is free.

You cant live life like a clock.
Doing the same thing every day.
Going around in circles, perfectly.
Because, honey.
Honey time is a silly thing.
Its there to keep us on track, but not to live our lives for us.
Time is a secret shadow.
Time is a wonder element.
Time is a dream.
You are in charge.
You control time.
Time lasts forever.
You don’t.
Live life like the clock is broken.
Like the numbers are jumbled.
Like the hands go every direction.
Like midnight doesn’t exists.

I am.

The sun sets and rises for you.
For you, my dear.
The moon and stars are bright.
They shine for you.
Yes, you my dear.

You have to attack every day.
Attack it with energy.
With a carefree attitude.
Don’t let what happened in the past happen today.

I learned that no matter how mean she is.
How much he said he loved you.
Or how the way you guys laughed together.
That is what you have to live off of.
Analyze evry situation, and throw away the worst.
Hang those good moments on the wall.

Find you.

Find the Christina Yang.
Audrey Hepburn.
Meredith Stephens.
Taylor Swift.
Marvin Gaye.
The next door neightbor.
Find them in you
Embrace it.
Live it.
Slay the day.

You have to quit living life in the mud.
Pick up the mud.
Throw it.
Start a mud fight with the one you love.
Kiss in the end.
Wake up the next day, and remember.
Remember there is no such thing as midnight.
Take the long home.
Find a lookout.
Kiss the sand.
Yell at the top of your lungs.
Chinese fire drill in the middle of the day.
Pay for someone’s coffee.
Because when you realize.
Realize life is simple.
You make the rules.

I learned something valuable yesterday.

I ask myself

I ask myself everyday.
I ask myself everyday if you hate me.
I ask myself everyday if you love me.
I ask myself everyday if you would really want to.
Want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I strongly doubt it.
I strongly doubt you love me.

I wouldn't be surprised if those 5 hurtful words spilled from your lips so easily.
Maybe the stream from your fingers.
Maybe it will be after you make sure I am in your car.
Maybe it will be over a candle light dinner.
Maybe it will be after I thought you loved me.
Maybe it will be tonight.

Shaking.
Listening to the world around me.
Everyone around me, I wonder if it is you.
In reality I know it isn't.
You don't love me that much.
Not as much as I thought you did.

I thought you really in love with me.
But in reality I do believe that I am just an object.
I don't think I what you are looking for.
I cant be what you are looking for.
I cant be true, I cant be real.
An objet to keep you stable, an object to pre occupy you.
Something.

I am not a person.

I sit here, with tears held in the corners of my eyes.
Your love bite on my neck.
Your favorite band playing in the background.

I wonder if you hate me.
I feel you do, sometimes.
You'll never know how much you keep me grounded.

It's no longer your hands that caress my face, but my tears.
These tears are filled with pain and fear.
I wish you were the one.
I cannot grasp how I feel.
My thoughts are confused.

I feel like a burden on you.
I feel like I am holding you back for living your life.
I am slowing you down, and you won't admit it.

I am not a person.

I am not the girl you dated before me.
I am not the girl you wanted before you met me.
I am not wild like her.
I am not one to live life high.
I am not one to burn my sorrows away with a lighter.
I am not the one to show my body in ways she did.

I don't have the natural look.
I don't have long brown hair like she does.
I don't know how to do the things you used too.
I feel as if I need to know.
I feel as if I should know.
I feel as if I should for you to love me.

I am not a hippie, nor a weed smoker.
I do not want to travel from festival to festival.
I don't live on the beach, paint my face with funny colors.
I don't drink, nor want too.
I don't want to black out the important years of my life.
But I do want to love you.

Right now.
Right now at this moment in time.
This specific moment in time, I hate my life.
I hate the way I have to turn to you.
I hate the way I feel disguarded from you.
I hate the way you make me feel wrong most of the time.
I hate the way I feel as if I stress you out.
I feel like you hate me.
You hate the depressed me.
You hate my habits, and my fears.
You hate my worries.

I swear you hate me.
You don't love me.
I am just an object.
An object you can leave love bites, and touches on.
Something you play with in your spare time.
A form of habit you cannot quit.

I am not a person.

I know the old you is different from the you I know now.
But that old you shines through.
The way you hold on and can't let go of old habits.
The way you do things when you're bored.
The way you talk about your past.
I know you miss those people.
I know you miss the old house.
I know you miss the way you used to live.
I know yet, you don't.

I thought you loved me.
I think you don't and your'e just using me.
I can't say anything to you without feeling that I am will be in trouble.
I cannot let go.
I don't want to let go of you.
I can't.

I can hear the annoyance.
I can feel the tension.
I can see the confusion and pity.

Yet you make me feel like I am not a human being.

I am waiting for those five words.
Those five words of hurt.
Those five words.

I don't know if it will be a serious encounter, or one out of spite.
But I do know, I am scared.
I am scared to actually speak the way I feel in front of you or even to you.
I am scared that one day you'll tell me to stop.
You won't hold me anymore.
You won't touch me.
You won't kiss me.
That is when I know it's coming to a screeching halt.
I no longer know what to say, nor how to describe the way I am feeling.
I just want you to know I feel like a burden to you.
I can't help that I am fucked up.
I just can't.
I do know that either you do kind of love me, or you're really good at lying and pretending.

Just remember that I am not pretending nor lying.

I ask myself everday.
I ask myself everyday if you hate me.
I ask myself everyday if you love me.
I ask myself everyday if you would really want to.
Want to spend the rest of your life with me.
I strongly doubt it.
I strongly doubt you love me.

But Damn, am I glad it is.

I never thought it would be this.
But damn, am I glad it is.
This precious.
This perfect.
This bright.
This.

I never thought I would feel this way.
I never thought it could be this way.
I never thought I wouldn't understand.
I don't understand.

Maybe I am not good at what I am doing.
Not good at holding your hand.
Not good at standing by you.
Not good at giving a love that is clear to see.
Not good at giving you what you need.

But.
But I can promise you something.
Something that I will put everything into this.
That no matter what, I am going to love you at the end of everyday.
That every kiss has more meaning than last.
That you are the reason I continue.
That you are what I have searched for.
That I wake up everyday with your name on my lips.
That every moment you catch me looking at you is because I found something more to fall into love with.

The way your blue eyes shine.
Your jaw line forms perfectly down your neck.
Your hands hold me.
Your soft lips feel against my old cracked ones.
Your words are tender.
Your actions are soft.
You.

You.

I want to wake up next to you every morning.
I want to run my small hands through your hair.
I want to lay my lips on yours.
To think about the good times to come.
To think about the good times that have passed.
To let go of my bad past.
To wonder what it would be like in the future.
To take a look at all the precious moments we created.
To solve our problems.

I can't help but love the way you hate it when I kiss your neck.
How you wont let go of me when we lay next to each other.
And your laugh.
I can't help but love the way you smile every time I walk into the room.
Or the way you kiss me in the middle of my sentences.
And your slender build.
I can't help but want to kiss you when you say something sweet,
Or when we sit in silence.
To remember every moment.

Then again there are some things you have to remember.
You have to remember that I need affection.
My mentality, to my discovering, functions off of the feeling.
Feeling of being wanted, and touched.
You have to remember when I have attack and say something.
I didn't mean it.
It was something inside me.
A monster I don't know how to control-something that creates a buzz I can't clear away.
You have to remember that the things I hear.
Things I hear mean more then the average person.
Its my crazy mind I am trying not to lose control of.
You have to remember that I get scared.
I get scared you're going to stop.
You're going to realize you can't tame the monster inside of me-even though you want to.
You have to remember that I am head over heels for you.
I've never felt this way about someone.
You're the first-and right now I want this feeling to last.

You.
You are the one I want to tame the monster inside of me.
The one I want to understand my fucked up life.
The one who promises to try.
The one I don't want to stop.
The one I want head over heels for me.
You.

You're the beat I have stuck in my head.
The rain drops on my window.
The words stuck on my tongue.
The questions in my head.

You're the smile on the edge of my lips.
The gleam in my eye.
The late nights,
The laughs.
The missing piece.
The piece I finally found.

It's you boy.

I never thought it would be this.
But damn, I glad it is.

you && rain.

My thoughts are consumed with you.
The 100th floor of an apartment building.
Seattle, Washington.
The rain pouring.
Slowly reaching down the windows.
Your hands in my hair.
You kiss me slowly.
Time moves fast around us.
It's been a year and a half now.

The late nights of watching you play video games.
Your dog curled up next to the bed.
The late nights of watching movies.
The late nights of kisses.
The late nights of cuddling.
The late nights of talking.
The late nights of crying and wiping tears away.
The late nights of my skin against yours.

The way you always walk me to my car after class.
The way you hold my hand and swing our arms.
The way you kiss me after I climb into your car.
The way you pick me up and rest me against a wall.
The way you watch movies with such intention.

I think about things.
I think about our future.
I think about the way you care.
I think about what we both want to do.
I think about how I wouldn't care if we were stuck.
Stuck in a little apartment.
With drafty windows and lopsided floors.
A drippy sink, and 4 flights of stairs.
I think about no matter what, I would be happy with you.

You put my words at a stop and a smile on my face.
You make me feel wanted.
You make me feel loved.
You make me feel important.

The thought of you consumes my mind.
The thought of your hands.
The thought of your blue eyes.
The thought of your soft skin, and sandy blonde hair.
The thought of your big heart, passions and dreams.
The thought of all the times you slowly grab my hand while we are driving.
The thought of all the times I would slowly move away from you in, and you'd pull me in.

A lot of things consume my mind.
But I am happy that it is you.
I am safe around you.
I can cry and be myself.
I can have an attack.
I can love and sleep.
I can scream and eat.
I can be me.
I've never had someone I can do this around.
I've never had someone and now I have you.

You calm me when I am upset.
You care when I am scared.
You feel when I cannot.
You pull me in, instead of pushing me away.

When your lips touch my hardened heart, it slowly begins to open.
When you're around.

My thoughts are consumed with you.
The 100th floor of an apartment building.
Seattle, Washington.
The rain pouring.

It isnt the fact.

It isn't the fact.
It's the fact.
The fact that it's new.
The fact that you.
You are new.
It isn't the fact that I don't trust you.
It isn't the fact that I don't know.
It's the fact that I am scared.
The fact that maybe I don't trust myself.
The fact that my past is filled with a lot of colors.
You know when you look back on a memory and that one specific color is there.
Maybe a red.
Maybe a blue.
Maybe a purple.
Maybe it was a brown.
Or a grey.
Or a black.
You don't know where or why this color is so prominent.
It's just there.
Maybe it was a shirt you were wearing.
Maybe it was the color of the sky that day.
Maybe it was the toenail polish your mama had on that day.
Maybe it was the color of your lens in your sunglasses.
Or Maybe it was that specific black.
The specific black you see when you close your eyes.
I feel like it's different for everyone.
But for me this black was scary.
It wasn't because I couldn't see.
It was because I could hear.
Hear the words.
Hear the sorrow.
Hear the pain.
But this wasn't when I was so young I could still my mom's toes without have yo actually look.
This was the time where I could paint my own toes.
This was the time where I had trouble with life.
The acne.
The puberty.
The growing up.
But most of all it was the words.
The words that came from lips that should be stitched shut.
The words that pinned me to my mattress.
But it wasn't just words.
It was silent tears that shadowed my cheek bones.
It was silent tears that helped me see.
Helped me see that black.
That black that is different.
Different for everyone when they escape.
When they try to escape those nightmares.
Those memories you don't want to look back on but can't help.
It was the click of the door lock.
The lock symbolized so many things.
It symbolized that I was helpless.
It symbolized there was nothing I could do.
It symbolized screams.
It symbolized drunken movements.
It symbolized flashbacks.
It symbolized fear.
But it symbolized protection.
You did it for me.
But it symbolizes trust issues.
Trust issues of others.
Not just all the others.
But others who aren't my mother.
Others who are like this man.
This man you protected me from
This man's son who targeted me.
Targeted me the way he targeted her.
So you're wondering.
Wondering what does this have to do with me.
Wondering why.
Wondering what.
What do I mean.
I mean that words spoken from lips that are sober can be worse than words spoken from drunken ones.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to understand.
Every time my tounge forms this story, I shake inside.
I want to cry but I can't.
I want to scream but they are silent.
I feel alone.
I feel frightened.
Because what if I speak my mind?
If I speak my mind is what happened to her going to happen to me.
Will I be treated the same way.
Will I be listened to the way she wanted to be.
Will I be trusted that way she thought she was by the little hands and little feet.
Will I?
This black holds memories of fear.
But protection.
So when words from you.
Words from you of an offer to others.
Other people.
Others you would spend 6 hours with in a car.
Others you would experience this concert with.
Others other than me.
I get nervous.
I get scared.
But it's all because it's new to me.
Its new because my past makes my future.
Because I feel as if I can trust you.
Because I feel you would understand.
This blackness was full of other women for him.
But she pretended she didn't know.
And this blackness brings back fear.
Fear.
Fear of being the one to threaten.
The one to beat.
The one to take it all.
The one who is t good enough.
Maybe it's because it's new.
Maybe it's because I'm still scared.
But can you do something
Something he wouldn't do for me.
Can you promise me.
Promise me that if I don't go.
And you spend 6 hours with another girl.
Promise me that I won't become the one to threaten.
I won't become the one to beat.
I will still be the one that your tounge chooses to name.
I will still be the one your head chooses to think about.
I will still be the one your heart chooses to love.
I will still be the one.
It isn't the fact.
It's the fact.
The fact that it's new.
The fact that you.
You are new.

It Was Something New.

It was some thing new.
Some thing new, yet so familiar.
You know when you've done some thing.
Expierenced some thing.
Heard it.
Felt it.
Took it in.
A million times before, yet it's different.
Different when something in your life changes.
Maybe it was a drastic change.
Maybe it was a small change and you didn't notice.
That's what it was like with you.

With you, again.
Maybe it's because you were on my mind.
Maybe it's because your name lingered on my lips.
But when I had first lit the candle and without thinking I bent over to smell it.
Not to smell what the candle would smell like when when the wax melted.
But that short moment.
That moment when you can smell the heat.
The heat of the fire.
The heat of the wick.
The moment when it brings you a short euphoria.
An euphoria of bliss.
A euphoria of hunger.
A euphoria of wanderlust.

I've done this since I was a child.
After my mom would light the candles.
Each and every one.
I would love the smell of the heat.
It brought me to my own world.
And now you bring me back.
Back to the world of many things I felt as a child.
The excitement.
The curiosity.
The wonderment.
The confusion.
The feelings.

I haven't experienced anything like this in a long time.
The way your soft lips touch mine.
The way your smile tastes.
The way your hands are rough against my skin.
How your fingers explore the mountains of goose bumps along my spine.
How your breath rushes down my neck.
How your eyelashes feel when the brush against my cheek bone.
How and the way your body picks up my signals.
The way your mouth forms the words you speak to me.
The way your eyes glisten when you get excited.
The way your face speaks your true feelings.
How you talk with your hands without noticing it.
How you express what you feel inside through your body.
How you love your guilty pleasures and secrets.
How you explain.
How you love.

I spent just a short few hours with you.
On two desperate occasions.
One were we didn't know.
One were we did know.
What we didn't know.
What we do know.
We figured it out on two sepereate occasions.
We figured out what we didn't know when we knew.
We figured out what we did know when we didn't know.

You're the way the wick burns.
You're the way the heat smells for a short second.
You're the old memories of my childhood.
You're the way I didt know.
You're the way my body relaxes when I smell the heat
You're the way the heat feels on the tip of my nose.
You're the way my childhood is relived.
But in a completely different way.
I didn't know at the time.
The time I was 5.
The time I was 6.
The time I was 7.
Or maybe even 8.
I didn't know that I would find the man.
The man who lead me back to my childhood.
The childhood of feeling protected behind my mother.
Behind my mother when she lit the candles.
When I ran to smell the heat.
The heat of my future.
The heat of my past.
The heat of my dreams.

Then.
It was something new, yet so familiar.
It was something new.

My 200.

"Pass 'GO' and collect $200."
I don't know how many times I have given it back.
It seems every time I pass 'GO' I'm not collecting.
I'm not giving it back. I'm loosing It.
Loosing grip.
But it is time to stop.
Time to stop letting time push me back.
It is Time for me to push forward.
And collect that $200 on the way.
I'll start fresh.
Because I wanted to become.
Become someone I was not.
I did and I lost It all.
Then.
Then I came across you.
You were my 'GO' .
You were my start.
You were.
And now I am.
And now I am someone New.
I am the girl who takes you to the party.
Takes you to the party In the same t-shirt.
Same I'm t-shirt I wear to bed.
So stay.
Stay with me.
Stay with me right here.
Because right here, right now.
Right here, right now is perfect.
Let's disappear into perfect.
I hope my perfect is the same as yours.
The perfect of the ceiling fan turning to the rhythm.
The rhythm of our spinning bare feet on the floor of our first apartment.
Our first apartment with that living room light.
That living room light that keeps you begging for more.
Where the begging turns into a wonder.
A wanderlust feeling.
A curiousity feeling.
The feelings, along with the bare feet.
Lead us down the hall.
The hall where pictures hang of our high school days.
Let me be your party girl.
But a different kind of party.
A party that has a little apartment.
Just the two of us.
My old tv && no cable.
Your old bed && microwave.
Because this is my 'GO'.
You are my $200 that I wanted.
That $200 for rent.
For food.
For telephones that are only used to keep in touch.
Keep in touch with each other.
A month.
Soon that $200 becomes something else.
It becomes 200 days.
200 weeks.
200 weekends.
200 sleepless nights.
200 kisses.
200 tears.
200 months.
200 promises.
200 years.
Because you're my kind of different.
Kind of crazy.
Kind of happiness.
Soon it'll be 200 bandaids.
200 stuffed animals.
200 barbeques.
200 birthday parties.
200 everything.
Because you are my summer rain.
My winter snow.
Fall leaves.
Spring clouds.
I can't wait to make that 200 into something bigger.
Something full of love.
Full of laughing.
Full of little hands and toes.
Full of firsts.
Full of memories.
Full.
Beaches and glass houses.
Couple dogs.
Maybe a cat or two.
Motorcyle rides through the city.
Late nights on the beaches.
Trips to Mexico.
Drapes blowing from the salty wind.
Music always playing.
A cool summer night of love.
It couldn't be a better 200.
Because I want to.
I want dreams with you.
Because I want to with you.
You.
"Pass 'GO' and collect $200."

Stupid Issues. Stupid past.

Maybe this is it.
Maybe this is the way.
The way I'm supposed to live.
I mean I dream about the way I want me life to be.
A poor college kid with a messy apartment.
But with that messy apartment comes many things.
Messy hair.
A room full of music.
Ways to shortcut things.
But also a messy background.
I have abandonment issues.
Not because of my mother.
But slightly because of my father.
You know.
The man who was supposed to be there.
To walk me down the aisle.
To intimidate the boys I bring home.
To have a shoulder to cry on.
To play airplane and baseball with.
To explain to me why mama is sick.
To do everything a dad does.
But he wasn't.
Instead he was young and so was she.
He went home.
Home that is only a few minuets away.
Then moved.
Moved away.
Far away.
To NC.
I spend my whole life wondering.
Wondering where he might be.
What he looks like.
How he acts.
If he is married.
I had all these questions.
Questions that I have long forgotten.
It's been too long.
But also because after you find out.
You run.
Run far away.
You don't look back.
It wasn't my fault.
I try to control this.
This thing I have to live with.
And you can't learn.
Even though you promised.
And you were also part of the reason I have these issues.
I see you around.
You look so happy.
So content. Mellow.
And I only wish that you were the one.
The one in my shoes.
The one suffering.
The one hurting.
The one with questions.
The one without answers.
But also the one to show me it'll be okay.
That I'm loved.
That someone wants to be with me.
But no.
I pushed you away.
Far away.
All because of this stupid thing.
And now you are the one who had added.
Added to my issues.
Trust.
Commitment.
Abandonment.
Family.
And you expect me to be happy.
You see me and I seem fine.
But in reality, every time I see you.
I see you and wish.
Wish I could pound on your chest one more time.
Cry on the phone.
Fall asleep on the couch.
Kiss your lips.
Wave goodbye.
Laugh.
Be comfortable.
One more time.
But no.
All because of my stupid issues.
So thank you for making me.
Making me feel.
Feel like shit.
Feel worthless.
Unhappy.
Confused.
Lost.
Mentally unstable.
Crazy.
Unwanted.
Abandoned.
Unloved.
Violated.
Pathetic.
Thank you.
Because maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe this is it. 

Maybe.

Where do I even begin?
Begin to start.
Start this crazy thing I called love.
This crazy thing called love.
It's something I have learned about.
I have learned that sometimes it isn't what you wanted.
What you want is a fairytale.
Fairytales are things only children believe in.
Maybe that's what I am.
Maybe I am a child.
Maybe I am the imagination.
Maybe I am the fairytale.
The fairytale of heartbreak.
Disaster.
Broken hope.
Maybe my clouds are lined with black instead of silver.
Just maybe.

Maybe I am the one who needs to find someone who will change the lining on my clouds.
Maybe I am the one who needs to stop searching.
We all find our selves searching for something at one point in life.
I found myself searching for my fairytale.
Searching for it.
My fairytale.
You.

I thought I had found it.
It was the perfect first date.
The prefect "my official real date".
You promised me a million things.
Anything from teaching me to longboard to forever and always.
Now I am just a faded memory in the background.
My touch lingering on your skin.
The sound of my voice in your ear.
The picture of me in your hat.
It's all a memory.

Maybe one day we will cross paths.
Try things again.

Maybe it's my fairytale.
My wildest dream.

Maybe it was a short lesson we both needed to learn.
Maybe it will turn into a valuable lesson we will teach others.

Maybe it was a mistake to tell you those stupid three words.
To let you fall asleep on my couch.
Kiss my lips.
Lace my fingers in yours.
Play with my hair.
And touch my skin.
Maybe it was a mistake to hear those stupid three words from you.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Just.
Maybe.

Half of me misses the hell out of you.
Half of my hates you.
Half of me wonders what I did wrong.
Was it my crazy fucked up life?
My anxiety?
My depression?
My sassy comments you laughed at?
My thought process?
My clean slate?
What was it.
Half of me wants to laugh.
Half of me wants to cry.
Half of me wants to beg you to come back.
Half of me wants to walk away.

I guess that broken road of yours we talked so much of.
Maybe the broken part of it was me.
I guess I'll see you sometime at a y in the road.
Maybe I'll be one choice.
Standing.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Screaming your name.
You look at me with a blank stare.
And walk away.
Like you didn't even see me standing in the background.
Good bye.
Where do I begin?

skinny love.

skinny love.

i sit here and study for finals.
all i can do is think of you.
running.
running across my mind.
i want the type of love.
the skinny type of love.
where two people are in love with each other, but they are just afraid to say anything.
the one where its being in love all the time.
even after being married.
even after having kids.
the type of love that is a new type of skinny.
my definition of skinny love.
my pandora radio.
open the door.
pick me up.
i wrap my legs around you.
i steal your beanie from your head.
swing me around the room.
my hair flying behind me.
the sound of laughter filling our tiny apartment.
one of those apartments that is run down.
one of those apartments that is sketchy.
one of those apartments that is filled with old people who have lived there since the beginning.
the kitchen sink drips.
air conditioner is unreasonably loud.
the carpet is stained.
the bath tub doesnt plug.
the bathroom sink is lopsided.
the floors are slanted.
the living room window covered with broken blinds.
the screen door swings opposite from the door.
and no one would want to live there.
but i feel safe with you.
when we curl up together in my old bed from high school.
or the first couch you had in college.
laptops and books.
papers and notebooks.
backpacks and fast food bags.
the little flat screen tv, and old gaming system.
the stereo always playing music.
never stopping.
our bedroom filled with clothes.
clothes either needing to be washed or put away.
messy bun.
your old fall out boy sweatshirt.
socks up my calves.
no make up.
a cup of cocoa.
movies.
late night study sessions.
car keys thrown on the little table next to the door.
a baseball bat behind the door...i claim we dont need.
but i let you keep it there.
our dead end jobs bringing in just enough rent money.

this life may sound bad to others.
but.
but this is our life.
and we dont mind.
its the clothes, hot cocoa, messy hair, beanies.
its the music, fast food bags, laptops, papers.
its the drippy faucets, and bath tubs that dont plug.
its the books, and paper plates, no dishwasher.
its these things that make up our silly love.
our skinny love.
the moments of cranked music, top ramen, and screaming dance sessions.
the moments of laughter, kisses, teasing and smiles.
these are the moments that define my type of skinny love.

now.
now i need.
i need someone.
someone who owns a fall out boy sweatshirt and beanies.
someone who can imagine this with me.
i need someone.
i need you.

this that were way...you..it was all you.

you went off to school.
you say you want me in more than words could describe.
you say when you come home you'll tell me.
you say you miss me.
you say you want to see me.

you were the one that i first lied to mom about where i was so i could be with you.
you were the one who constantly ran across my mind.
you were the one who i wanted to be with constantly.
you were the one my mom liked.
you were the one who i wanted to live my high school years with.
you were the one.

you broke my heart.
not in a way that you think one would.
not in a way i thought one could be broken.

it had been three days.
in the morning.
the morning of homecoming.
a month before i left for a week.
applications were being started and sent.
the middle of semester.
christmas season was starting for dance.
my grades were slipping.
my trip was coming up.
i had to start getting ready for college.

i didnt think it would have stung this much.
i knew you were a player when i first met you.
i knew you were a player when i said yes.
i didnt think i would still be a little upset.

i didnt think the messages would mean so much.
the memories would still mean so much.
i didnt think.

i thought that maybe maybe you actually cared.
maybe just maybe you would be the one.
maybe.

turns out i was wrong.
it was just freeze dried romance.
it was dead from the beginning.
it was dry before it even started.

i didnt think i would feel this way still.
i didnt think i would feel hurt.
i didnt think i would feel jealous.
i didnt think i would feel crazy.
emotional.
confused.
endless.
stopped short.
thrown away.
used.
i didnt think i would feel this way about you.

i miss the way you used to hug me and kiss my head.
the way you had that look from across the room.
the slight brushes of your skin against mine the night we ran around.
the smile not only on your lips but in your eyes.
the way your eyes glimmered in the light.
the joking love in your voice.
the nervous body language i could tell you didnt want me to notice.
the simple text messages.
the good mornings, good byes, good nights.
i didnt think i would miss all of this.
i miss the way you constantly run across my mind.
because now...
now.
its pain.
hurt.
stinging.
chills.
hell.
its the love i used to feel for you.
but can i have it?

no.
you went off to school.

April 14, 2012

We’ve all been through the drug and alcohol classes throughout our years in Junior High and High School. We’ve all seen those pictures and we’ve all had friends and family members who have abused these things. Then they become addicted, they change, and you miss the old person that is down there deep and you used to know. That is what happened to me. I lost someone near to me. I lost the old people I used to know. Do I miss them you ask? Of course I do. His name was Jason. This little scrawny, skinny kid who flung his arms all over the place, constantly had dirt on his face and his shoes were always untied. Through elementary school and junior high, he was my best friend…even when I didn’t realize it. After I was pushed away from most of my class in sixth grade, Jason picked me up. When I didn’t have anyone to talk to on the first day of seventh grade, Jason, he was always there. We walked to class every day, listened to my pink iPod in band, and ended our days with goodbye and a hug. This we our daily routine all the way through, even when he hit rock bottom. When he hit rock bottom, we kind of distanced ourselves, we didn’t tell each other our secrets but we were still to close. So close that people didn’t know if we were related or if we were together. We were just best friends, simply. He knew I didn’t like the fact we was abusing drugs, or came to school high, and spent his time with people he shouldn’t have. I knew that at every point in someone’s life they go through a rough spot and this was his way out. He told me to never become like him, he wanted me to do for him. He wanted me to live a clean life, for not only me and my family but for him. I took that promise and have kept it ever since.I remember the series of all the pieces falling together, slowly but tightly. I remember it as clear as day. It was Friday April 12^th, 2012. The bell had just rung, parents came to pick up the kids, and I started my walk home. I hear my name being called, I knew it was Jason. I turn around and he’s right there. I look at him and asked him what he needed. He looks me dead in the eye, told me he loved me so much, said he’d see me on Monday and he will text me later. He gives me the biggest hug and said he’d miss me forever. I didn’t think about any of it. Later that night I was texting him, he kept telling me he missed me and everything. I told him I had to go, I had to get ready for a funeral the next day. He told me he loved me and we said goodnight. The next morning, I can’t ahold of him…I come to the conclusion that he is busy. I let it go. I am almost in the driveway of my house and I receive a text message. It’s from a number I don’t recognize, telling me that Jason has committed suicide. I don’t believe it, I can’t. It doesn’t make sense. It never made sense and it still doesn’t. No one really knows why and I can say I don’t, but it still hurts. Drugs played a big part in his life and I have promised that I will live a clean life, for him. Just for Jason.

whoa.

whoa.
stop and think.
have you ever?
ever just thought about how wonderful things are?
ever just been walking down the hallway and you see that guy youve never seen before?
ever just want to go do something spontaneous?
kiss a stranger on midnight of the new year.
walk up to someone and hand them your number.
ever just found that one station on Pandora that is perfect?
have you ever?
i have.
i have had a million thought run through my mind.
i have seen those dads in public.the ones who become instantly hot with little kids.
i have had those moments of flirting from across the room.
i have had those times i flirt from across the room.
i have sent a risky text.
i have found that perfect station on Pandora.
i have.
right now, i sit.
i sit and listen to my favorite, new found Pandora Station.
i sit and think, let my thoughts wonder.
i sit and think about my favorite things.
i sit and think about what i want in a relationship.
i sit and think what kind of relationship i want.
i sit and reminisce about the times we had together.
i sit and remember when you would sit me upon the dishwasher.
i sit and remember when you would come over without mom knowing.
i sit and remember when you toss me over my shoulder and i would laugh.
right now, i sit.
these things wander through my mind daily.
i am the kind of girl who wants the silly yet serious relationship.
one where i can come kiss you in the middle of the hallway in front of the guys and then walk away.
one where i can jump on your back and giggle, hair falling in both of our faces.
one where you arent afraid to show me off.
one where no one knows how long weve been friends.
one where youll pick me up, throw me over your shoulder.
one where i can spend all day at your house in sweats and a tank with a messy bun.
one where i dont have to wear make up or look cute all the time.
one where i can be silly.
one where we go on simple dates.
one where we can just drive and forget the world.
one where we can just be lazy.
one where i am a part of your family, and your apart of mine.
one where we act like we are six.
one you see in the movies.
one you see in pictures.
one you hear about in songs.
thats the type of relationship i want.
whoa.

i can only

it was a good day....especally after a two week break.
spent about an hour with my sister before bed, hanging in my room, watching a movie.
went to bed with the sound of a kitten purring in my ear.
woke up, got ready...picked up my best friend.
got to school. parked.
went inside, socialized.
went back to the same old routine.
pledge of allegiance, and the bulletin.
-three questions.
-grade the homework.
-watch a video, answer questions.
-get homework, work on it.
-walk to the next class.
-figure out whats going on.
-work on projects.
-leave.
-turn in homework.
-recieve new homework.
-lecture.
-lunch.
-go to class.
-listen to lecture.
-groups.
-lecture.
-go home.
when i get home, its the same thing.
eat.
chores.
homework.
chores.
but today was different...
today i was yelled at for my grades and taking care of my friends and my little sister.
sorry i am kind enough to take them places so they can run their errands.
you told me you were done running behind me for school.
then i get yelled at.
ill be 18 soon.
then ill be on crutches.
you wont let me do anything even after im off.
im an adult soon.
im a kid still...to you.
i understand youre scared of losing me.
but if you dont let me go, then ill be gone.
if i cant make my own stupid decisions, then i wont learn.
if i cant be a regular teenager, i wont know right from wrong.
ive never gotten in trouble.
if i cant take care of myself, how will i know how when im 503.8 miles away?
if i cant stay up late, go out with friends, hang out with guys then how will i know what to do and not to do in college?
i am not going to call you for everything, i wont be able to.
you have taught me so many things.
i am greatful.
but it is about time i take all these things youve taught me and use them.
i cant wait until im gone to.
i have to use them when i need them and you wont let me.
youve raised me to become someone who i want to be and who i allow myself to be.
yet, you wont let me.
i need support from you too.
ive been supporting you since the day i could walk.
its my time now.
you just wont let me take it.
i need to break free. 
i need you to quit living your life through mine.
i need to live my life through only one set of eyes.
i can only let my eyes see one life.
i can only let my mind deal with only one's  thoughts.
i can only let my heart carry one's feelings.
i can only let my body live one life.
so why did you take mine?
i undertsand youre afraid to let me go when the time is here.
i understand i am the first born and its the beginning of your nest emptying.
but cant you just admit it?
why is everything my fault?
im sorry im such a disappointment.
im sorry i could only carry one life.
im sorry i wasnt who you cut me out to be.
im sorry i took the scissors from you and created someone different.
even after you told me to create my own picture.
im sorry.
it was a good day....

Old Past. Same Weight. New Problems.

i was sitting in my dinning room, quietly.
planning college, apartments, and ideas with my best friends in a group chat.
had some music going from youtube.
saying goodnight to my grandparents.
sipping on water.
and writing a paper for school.
quietly.

then my phone lights up in the corner of my eye.
i pick it up, expecting another crazy stupid idea from one of the girls.
then i look...
i cant believe it...
your name is on my phone.
i blink, re lock and unlock the screen again.
its still there.
thoughts start running through my mind,
my throat hurts,
my hands are sweaty and i want to cry.
not nice things are coming to the tip of my tounge.
what am i supposed to do!?

i unlock my phone with shaky hands, sweaty palms.
its definetly you.
your name wont go away.
i open it.

here it is:
"****** text me I made a mistake
his number
please text me asap
i should have never left
i love you"

those three words....
i tell him i cant text because of stuff thats happened,

he tells me he only has snapchat for tonight...
"im sorry"
~you can explain later, okay (...i said this because i didnt really want to deal with it tonight)
"are you mad at me?"
~i just dont understand
"why i left?..." (me thinking: no dumbass...jeez)
~yea. why anything happened, why you decided to get ahold of me...anything
"because she was like my ex but better..." (there was more but those words, those words are the ones that struck and started the sad 80s/90s love music on youtube and postponed my assignment)
~o
"i made a huge mistake"


it keeps going...
now i am sitting here pausing every few sentences to reply
hating the name on my screen
i just dont understand.

i tried to get you back when you left, but you said no and to fuck it.
then you message me back and proceed to tell me that you found someone who reminded you of the girl before me...
how in the world am i supposed to take that!!

tears are falling on the keyboard as the sneak past the tip of my nose
all i was doing was sitting in my dinning room...
quietly....
discussing my future with my best friends...
quietly...

you should know...

i sit in the dinning room no one evens eat in anymore.
i sit in the dinning room that is used for an office.
i sit in the dinning room that is used for a place for me to do my homework.
i sit here, wondering if this is what it is like,
like to realize i am a senior in high school.
like to realize i am almost an adult.
like to realize that i am not a typical teenager.
how may you ask? what does she mean?
what i mean. what do i mean is a question i often ask myself.
i dont drink.
....i hate the taste of alcohol.
i dont smoke.
....i hate the smell of cigarettes.
i would rather spend time with my girls than a horny guy.
i have never snuck out of my house.
i have never took my moms car.
i have never had sex.
nothing.
well...i broke curfew once.
that was his fault.
i am the type of girl to flirt from across the room.
i sit there and look at you, smile, wink, wave.
but unless i feel amazing, i wont do one thing.
but when i get that feeling, ill come and sit. ill come talk. ill do something.
i am the type of girl who stands in the hallway with her best friends.
but i am the one in a sweatshirt, jeans, and keds with my hair in a messy bun and minimal make up.
i dont get dressed up everyday.
i dont wear contacts everyday.
i dont drink coffee everyday.
i dont really care what people think.
people will like me for me....right?
i dont go to church every sunday but i honestly love to worship.
i do though...i do listen to music everyday.
i do send waaay to many selfies.
i send too many text messages to my best friends.
i have too many inside jokes with my best friends.
i have too many group conversations with my best friends.
i spend too much time texting in class instead of paying attention.
i spend too much time dancing around my room when im not in the studio.
i spend way too much time switching between youtube and pandora instead of doing homework.
i spend way too much time doing homework than hanging with friends.
but i am passing school right?
i am on my way to college...right?
i am in the top 150 in my class...so thats good...right?
i am on the path of my career...right?
so why am i stressed?
maybe i am stressed because i have to much on my plate.
maybe i dont understand what it is like living a normal, stereotypical life of a high school girl.
maybe its because i took to much on with the family because my mom will never get better.
someone besides my grandparents has to watch out for my little sisters right?
i mean they may just be too old for some of that.
i am the girl who sits in her room, quietly, and just listens to music while wondering what it would be like to have a family of my own some time.
i have name picked out for my kids...
i have an idea of what kid of guy i want...
i have an idea of how i do and dont want to raise my kids...
i have an idea..
all of this swirls through my mind..
my crazy, upside down, aching, beautiful, messed up mind.
wondering if i will be loved when i am no longer young and beautiful..
but that,
that is for another day.
this
this is what runs
runs away with my thoughts
as i sit here in a dinning room no one sits in
no one eats in
its just used for my homework and an office,
maybe it equivalent to what my mind is like...
i sit...