Stupid Issues. Stupid past.

Maybe this is it.
Maybe this is the way.
The way I'm supposed to live.
I mean I dream about the way I want me life to be.
A poor college kid with a messy apartment.
But with that messy apartment comes many things.
Messy hair.
A room full of music.
Ways to shortcut things.
But also a messy background.
I have abandonment issues.
Not because of my mother.
But slightly because of my father.
You know.
The man who was supposed to be there.
To walk me down the aisle.
To intimidate the boys I bring home.
To have a shoulder to cry on.
To play airplane and baseball with.
To explain to me why mama is sick.
To do everything a dad does.
But he wasn't.
Instead he was young and so was she.
He went home.
Home that is only a few minuets away.
Then moved.
Moved away.
Far away.
To NC.
I spend my whole life wondering.
Wondering where he might be.
What he looks like.
How he acts.
If he is married.
I had all these questions.
Questions that I have long forgotten.
It's been too long.
But also because after you find out.
You run.
Run far away.
You don't look back.
It wasn't my fault.
I try to control this.
This thing I have to live with.
And you can't learn.
Even though you promised.
And you were also part of the reason I have these issues.
I see you around.
You look so happy.
So content. Mellow.
And I only wish that you were the one.
The one in my shoes.
The one suffering.
The one hurting.
The one with questions.
The one without answers.
But also the one to show me it'll be okay.
That I'm loved.
That someone wants to be with me.
But no.
I pushed you away.
Far away.
All because of this stupid thing.
And now you are the one who had added.
Added to my issues.
Trust.
Commitment.
Abandonment.
Family.
And you expect me to be happy.
You see me and I seem fine.
But in reality, every time I see you.
I see you and wish.
Wish I could pound on your chest one more time.
Cry on the phone.
Fall asleep on the couch.
Kiss your lips.
Wave goodbye.
Laugh.
Be comfortable.
One more time.
But no.
All because of my stupid issues.
So thank you for making me.
Making me feel.
Feel like shit.
Feel worthless.
Unhappy.
Confused.
Lost.
Mentally unstable.
Crazy.
Unwanted.
Abandoned.
Unloved.
Violated.
Pathetic.
Thank you.
Because maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe this is it.