you should know...

i sit in the dinning room no one evens eat in anymore.
i sit in the dinning room that is used for an office.
i sit in the dinning room that is used for a place for me to do my homework.
i sit here, wondering if this is what it is like,
like to realize i am a senior in high school.
like to realize i am almost an adult.
like to realize that i am not a typical teenager.
how may you ask? what does she mean?
what i mean. what do i mean is a question i often ask myself.
i dont drink.
....i hate the taste of alcohol.
i dont smoke.
....i hate the smell of cigarettes.
i would rather spend time with my girls than a horny guy.
i have never snuck out of my house.
i have never took my moms car.
i have never had sex.
nothing.
well...i broke curfew once.
that was his fault.
i am the type of girl to flirt from across the room.
i sit there and look at you, smile, wink, wave.
but unless i feel amazing, i wont do one thing.
but when i get that feeling, ill come and sit. ill come talk. ill do something.
i am the type of girl who stands in the hallway with her best friends.
but i am the one in a sweatshirt, jeans, and keds with my hair in a messy bun and minimal make up.
i dont get dressed up everyday.
i dont wear contacts everyday.
i dont drink coffee everyday.
i dont really care what people think.
people will like me for me....right?
i dont go to church every sunday but i honestly love to worship.
i do though...i do listen to music everyday.
i do send waaay to many selfies.
i send too many text messages to my best friends.
i have too many inside jokes with my best friends.
i have too many group conversations with my best friends.
i spend too much time texting in class instead of paying attention.
i spend too much time dancing around my room when im not in the studio.
i spend way too much time switching between youtube and pandora instead of doing homework.
i spend way too much time doing homework than hanging with friends.
but i am passing school right?
i am on my way to college...right?
i am in the top 150 in my class...so thats good...right?
i am on the path of my career...right?
so why am i stressed?
maybe i am stressed because i have to much on my plate.
maybe i dont understand what it is like living a normal, stereotypical life of a high school girl.
maybe its because i took to much on with the family because my mom will never get better.
someone besides my grandparents has to watch out for my little sisters right?
i mean they may just be too old for some of that.
i am the girl who sits in her room, quietly, and just listens to music while wondering what it would be like to have a family of my own some time.
i have name picked out for my kids...
i have an idea of what kid of guy i want...
i have an idea of how i do and dont want to raise my kids...
i have an idea..
all of this swirls through my mind..
my crazy, upside down, aching, beautiful, messed up mind.
wondering if i will be loved when i am no longer young and beautiful..
but that,
that is for another day.
this
this is what runs
runs away with my thoughts
as i sit here in a dinning room no one sits in
no one eats in
its just used for my homework and an office,
maybe it equivalent to what my mind is like...
i sit...