Stupid Issues. Stupid past.

Maybe this is it.
Maybe this is the way.
The way I'm supposed to live.
I mean I dream about the way I want me life to be.
A poor college kid with a messy apartment.
But with that messy apartment comes many things.
Messy hair.
A room full of music.
Ways to shortcut things.
But also a messy background.
I have abandonment issues.
Not because of my mother.
But slightly because of my father.
You know.
The man who was supposed to be there.
To walk me down the aisle.
To intimidate the boys I bring home.
To have a shoulder to cry on.
To play airplane and baseball with.
To explain to me why mama is sick.
To do everything a dad does.
But he wasn't.
Instead he was young and so was she.
He went home.
Home that is only a few minuets away.
Then moved.
Moved away.
Far away.
To NC.
I spend my whole life wondering.
Wondering where he might be.
What he looks like.
How he acts.
If he is married.
I had all these questions.
Questions that I have long forgotten.
It's been too long.
But also because after you find out.
You run.
Run far away.
You don't look back.
It wasn't my fault.
I try to control this.
This thing I have to live with.
And you can't learn.
Even though you promised.
And you were also part of the reason I have these issues.
I see you around.
You look so happy.
So content. Mellow.
And I only wish that you were the one.
The one in my shoes.
The one suffering.
The one hurting.
The one with questions.
The one without answers.
But also the one to show me it'll be okay.
That I'm loved.
That someone wants to be with me.
But no.
I pushed you away.
Far away.
All because of this stupid thing.
And now you are the one who had added.
Added to my issues.
Trust.
Commitment.
Abandonment.
Family.
And you expect me to be happy.
You see me and I seem fine.
But in reality, every time I see you.
I see you and wish.
Wish I could pound on your chest one more time.
Cry on the phone.
Fall asleep on the couch.
Kiss your lips.
Wave goodbye.
Laugh.
Be comfortable.
One more time.
But no.
All because of my stupid issues.
So thank you for making me.
Making me feel.
Feel like shit.
Feel worthless.
Unhappy.
Confused.
Lost.
Mentally unstable.
Crazy.
Unwanted.
Abandoned.
Unloved.
Violated.
Pathetic.
Thank you.
Because maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe this is it. 

Maybe.

Where do I even begin?
Begin to start.
Start this crazy thing I called love.
This crazy thing called love.
It's something I have learned about.
I have learned that sometimes it isn't what you wanted.
What you want is a fairytale.
Fairytales are things only children believe in.
Maybe that's what I am.
Maybe I am a child.
Maybe I am the imagination.
Maybe I am the fairytale.
The fairytale of heartbreak.
Disaster.
Broken hope.
Maybe my clouds are lined with black instead of silver.
Just maybe.

Maybe I am the one who needs to find someone who will change the lining on my clouds.
Maybe I am the one who needs to stop searching.
We all find our selves searching for something at one point in life.
I found myself searching for my fairytale.
Searching for it.
My fairytale.
You.

I thought I had found it.
It was the perfect first date.
The prefect "my official real date".
You promised me a million things.
Anything from teaching me to longboard to forever and always.
Now I am just a faded memory in the background.
My touch lingering on your skin.
The sound of my voice in your ear.
The picture of me in your hat.
It's all a memory.

Maybe one day we will cross paths.
Try things again.

Maybe it's my fairytale.
My wildest dream.

Maybe it was a short lesson we both needed to learn.
Maybe it will turn into a valuable lesson we will teach others.

Maybe it was a mistake to tell you those stupid three words.
To let you fall asleep on my couch.
Kiss my lips.
Lace my fingers in yours.
Play with my hair.
And touch my skin.
Maybe it was a mistake to hear those stupid three words from you.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Just.
Maybe.

Half of me misses the hell out of you.
Half of my hates you.
Half of me wonders what I did wrong.
Was it my crazy fucked up life?
My anxiety?
My depression?
My sassy comments you laughed at?
My thought process?
My clean slate?
What was it.
Half of me wants to laugh.
Half of me wants to cry.
Half of me wants to beg you to come back.
Half of me wants to walk away.

I guess that broken road of yours we talked so much of.
Maybe the broken part of it was me.
I guess I'll see you sometime at a y in the road.
Maybe I'll be one choice.
Standing.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Screaming your name.
You look at me with a blank stare.
And walk away.
Like you didn't even see me standing in the background.
Good bye.
Where do I begin?

skinny love.

skinny love.

i sit here and study for finals.
all i can do is think of you.
running.
running across my mind.
i want the type of love.
the skinny type of love.
where two people are in love with each other, but they are just afraid to say anything.
the one where its being in love all the time.
even after being married.
even after having kids.
the type of love that is a new type of skinny.
my definition of skinny love.
my pandora radio.
open the door.
pick me up.
i wrap my legs around you.
i steal your beanie from your head.
swing me around the room.
my hair flying behind me.
the sound of laughter filling our tiny apartment.
one of those apartments that is run down.
one of those apartments that is sketchy.
one of those apartments that is filled with old people who have lived there since the beginning.
the kitchen sink drips.
air conditioner is unreasonably loud.
the carpet is stained.
the bath tub doesnt plug.
the bathroom sink is lopsided.
the floors are slanted.
the living room window covered with broken blinds.
the screen door swings opposite from the door.
and no one would want to live there.
but i feel safe with you.
when we curl up together in my old bed from high school.
or the first couch you had in college.
laptops and books.
papers and notebooks.
backpacks and fast food bags.
the little flat screen tv, and old gaming system.
the stereo always playing music.
never stopping.
our bedroom filled with clothes.
clothes either needing to be washed or put away.
messy bun.
your old fall out boy sweatshirt.
socks up my calves.
no make up.
a cup of cocoa.
movies.
late night study sessions.
car keys thrown on the little table next to the door.
a baseball bat behind the door...i claim we dont need.
but i let you keep it there.
our dead end jobs bringing in just enough rent money.

this life may sound bad to others.
but.
but this is our life.
and we dont mind.
its the clothes, hot cocoa, messy hair, beanies.
its the music, fast food bags, laptops, papers.
its the drippy faucets, and bath tubs that dont plug.
its the books, and paper plates, no dishwasher.
its these things that make up our silly love.
our skinny love.
the moments of cranked music, top ramen, and screaming dance sessions.
the moments of laughter, kisses, teasing and smiles.
these are the moments that define my type of skinny love.

now.
now i need.
i need someone.
someone who owns a fall out boy sweatshirt and beanies.
someone who can imagine this with me.
i need someone.
i need you.

this that were way...you..it was all you.

you went off to school.
you say you want me in more than words could describe.
you say when you come home you'll tell me.
you say you miss me.
you say you want to see me.

you were the one that i first lied to mom about where i was so i could be with you.
you were the one who constantly ran across my mind.
you were the one who i wanted to be with constantly.
you were the one my mom liked.
you were the one who i wanted to live my high school years with.
you were the one.

you broke my heart.
not in a way that you think one would.
not in a way i thought one could be broken.

it had been three days.
in the morning.
the morning of homecoming.
a month before i left for a week.
applications were being started and sent.
the middle of semester.
christmas season was starting for dance.
my grades were slipping.
my trip was coming up.
i had to start getting ready for college.

i didnt think it would have stung this much.
i knew you were a player when i first met you.
i knew you were a player when i said yes.
i didnt think i would still be a little upset.

i didnt think the messages would mean so much.
the memories would still mean so much.
i didnt think.

i thought that maybe maybe you actually cared.
maybe just maybe you would be the one.
maybe.

turns out i was wrong.
it was just freeze dried romance.
it was dead from the beginning.
it was dry before it even started.

i didnt think i would feel this way still.
i didnt think i would feel hurt.
i didnt think i would feel jealous.
i didnt think i would feel crazy.
emotional.
confused.
endless.
stopped short.
thrown away.
used.
i didnt think i would feel this way about you.

i miss the way you used to hug me and kiss my head.
the way you had that look from across the room.
the slight brushes of your skin against mine the night we ran around.
the smile not only on your lips but in your eyes.
the way your eyes glimmered in the light.
the joking love in your voice.
the nervous body language i could tell you didnt want me to notice.
the simple text messages.
the good mornings, good byes, good nights.
i didnt think i would miss all of this.
i miss the way you constantly run across my mind.
because now...
now.
its pain.
hurt.
stinging.
chills.
hell.
its the love i used to feel for you.
but can i have it?

no.
you went off to school.

April 14, 2012

We’ve all been through the drug and alcohol classes throughout our years in Junior High and High School. We’ve all seen those pictures and we’ve all had friends and family members who have abused these things. Then they become addicted, they change, and you miss the old person that is down there deep and you used to know. That is what happened to me. I lost someone near to me. I lost the old people I used to know. Do I miss them you ask? Of course I do. His name was Jason. This little scrawny, skinny kid who flung his arms all over the place, constantly had dirt on his face and his shoes were always untied. Through elementary school and junior high, he was my best friend…even when I didn’t realize it. After I was pushed away from most of my class in sixth grade, Jason picked me up. When I didn’t have anyone to talk to on the first day of seventh grade, Jason, he was always there. We walked to class every day, listened to my pink iPod in band, and ended our days with goodbye and a hug. This we our daily routine all the way through, even when he hit rock bottom. When he hit rock bottom, we kind of distanced ourselves, we didn’t tell each other our secrets but we were still to close. So close that people didn’t know if we were related or if we were together. We were just best friends, simply. He knew I didn’t like the fact we was abusing drugs, or came to school high, and spent his time with people he shouldn’t have. I knew that at every point in someone’s life they go through a rough spot and this was his way out. He told me to never become like him, he wanted me to do for him. He wanted me to live a clean life, for not only me and my family but for him. I took that promise and have kept it ever since.I remember the series of all the pieces falling together, slowly but tightly. I remember it as clear as day. It was Friday April 12^th, 2012. The bell had just rung, parents came to pick up the kids, and I started my walk home. I hear my name being called, I knew it was Jason. I turn around and he’s right there. I look at him and asked him what he needed. He looks me dead in the eye, told me he loved me so much, said he’d see me on Monday and he will text me later. He gives me the biggest hug and said he’d miss me forever. I didn’t think about any of it. Later that night I was texting him, he kept telling me he missed me and everything. I told him I had to go, I had to get ready for a funeral the next day. He told me he loved me and we said goodnight. The next morning, I can’t ahold of him…I come to the conclusion that he is busy. I let it go. I am almost in the driveway of my house and I receive a text message. It’s from a number I don’t recognize, telling me that Jason has committed suicide. I don’t believe it, I can’t. It doesn’t make sense. It never made sense and it still doesn’t. No one really knows why and I can say I don’t, but it still hurts. Drugs played a big part in his life and I have promised that I will live a clean life, for him. Just for Jason.

whoa.

whoa.
stop and think.
have you ever?
ever just thought about how wonderful things are?
ever just been walking down the hallway and you see that guy youve never seen before?
ever just want to go do something spontaneous?
kiss a stranger on midnight of the new year.
walk up to someone and hand them your number.
ever just found that one station on Pandora that is perfect?
have you ever?
i have.
i have had a million thought run through my mind.
i have seen those dads in public.the ones who become instantly hot with little kids.
i have had those moments of flirting from across the room.
i have had those times i flirt from across the room.
i have sent a risky text.
i have found that perfect station on Pandora.
i have.
right now, i sit.
i sit and listen to my favorite, new found Pandora Station.
i sit and think, let my thoughts wonder.
i sit and think about my favorite things.
i sit and think about what i want in a relationship.
i sit and think what kind of relationship i want.
i sit and reminisce about the times we had together.
i sit and remember when you would sit me upon the dishwasher.
i sit and remember when you would come over without mom knowing.
i sit and remember when you toss me over my shoulder and i would laugh.
right now, i sit.
these things wander through my mind daily.
i am the kind of girl who wants the silly yet serious relationship.
one where i can come kiss you in the middle of the hallway in front of the guys and then walk away.
one where i can jump on your back and giggle, hair falling in both of our faces.
one where you arent afraid to show me off.
one where no one knows how long weve been friends.
one where youll pick me up, throw me over your shoulder.
one where i can spend all day at your house in sweats and a tank with a messy bun.
one where i dont have to wear make up or look cute all the time.
one where i can be silly.
one where we go on simple dates.
one where we can just drive and forget the world.
one where we can just be lazy.
one where i am a part of your family, and your apart of mine.
one where we act like we are six.
one you see in the movies.
one you see in pictures.
one you hear about in songs.
thats the type of relationship i want.
whoa.

i can only

it was a good day....especally after a two week break.
spent about an hour with my sister before bed, hanging in my room, watching a movie.
went to bed with the sound of a kitten purring in my ear.
woke up, got ready...picked up my best friend.
got to school. parked.
went inside, socialized.
went back to the same old routine.
pledge of allegiance, and the bulletin.
-three questions.
-grade the homework.
-watch a video, answer questions.
-get homework, work on it.
-walk to the next class.
-figure out whats going on.
-work on projects.
-leave.
-turn in homework.
-recieve new homework.
-lecture.
-lunch.
-go to class.
-listen to lecture.
-groups.
-lecture.
-go home.
when i get home, its the same thing.
eat.
chores.
homework.
chores.
but today was different...
today i was yelled at for my grades and taking care of my friends and my little sister.
sorry i am kind enough to take them places so they can run their errands.
you told me you were done running behind me for school.
then i get yelled at.
ill be 18 soon.
then ill be on crutches.
you wont let me do anything even after im off.
im an adult soon.
im a kid still...to you.
i understand youre scared of losing me.
but if you dont let me go, then ill be gone.
if i cant make my own stupid decisions, then i wont learn.
if i cant be a regular teenager, i wont know right from wrong.
ive never gotten in trouble.
if i cant take care of myself, how will i know how when im 503.8 miles away?
if i cant stay up late, go out with friends, hang out with guys then how will i know what to do and not to do in college?
i am not going to call you for everything, i wont be able to.
you have taught me so many things.
i am greatful.
but it is about time i take all these things youve taught me and use them.
i cant wait until im gone to.
i have to use them when i need them and you wont let me.
youve raised me to become someone who i want to be and who i allow myself to be.
yet, you wont let me.
i need support from you too.
ive been supporting you since the day i could walk.
its my time now.
you just wont let me take it.
i need to break free. 
i need you to quit living your life through mine.
i need to live my life through only one set of eyes.
i can only let my eyes see one life.
i can only let my mind deal with only one's  thoughts.
i can only let my heart carry one's feelings.
i can only let my body live one life.
so why did you take mine?
i undertsand youre afraid to let me go when the time is here.
i understand i am the first born and its the beginning of your nest emptying.
but cant you just admit it?
why is everything my fault?
im sorry im such a disappointment.
im sorry i could only carry one life.
im sorry i wasnt who you cut me out to be.
im sorry i took the scissors from you and created someone different.
even after you told me to create my own picture.
im sorry.
it was a good day....