thunderstorms starting, lightning striking.

Thunderstorms started, lightning struck. 

My voice, broken. 

My voice, swelling with tears. 

My voice, gone. 

My cheeks were stained with rivers of salty water. 

My eyes cloudy with blackened tears. 

My body shaking. 

My heart aching. 

Everything in a million pieces. 

Nights became long, and lonely. 

Too lonely to be exact. 

Things got dark. 

Darker than when my eyes were closed. 

My body became weak, and my headed pounded with thoughts of your blue eyes looking at someone else's. 

The only silver lining I had was the silver blade between my fingertips. 

The sharp edges. 

The overwhelming desire to be numb filled me. 

The pain felt great, almost like I was with you again. 

Skin became red, and covered for days. 

When someone's fingertips brushed against my skin, and pain shocked throughout my body-almost like it was on fire. 

Then I realized something. 

You were the silver lining that brought so much pain. 

You were the silver lining that was actually covered in dirt. 

You weren't anything I needed. 

I needed something more. 

I needed myself. 

I needed nights in a full face of makeup. 

I needed nights with music blaring. 

I needed nights with friends. 

I needed nights with laughter and cheeks that hurt. 

I needed night with my own clothes-without your approval. 

I started life over, a found my old self and I'm happy again. 

I started wanting to be myself again. 

I started to wear a real smile, and my happiness. 

I started to realize it all again. 

I realized life isn't about fake love, and half smiles. 

I realized I didn't need a boy. I need a man. 

I realized I need love. 

I realized I need true and not fake. 

I need laughs, and real sleep. 

I needed a lot and I'm slowly gettin there. 

New friends, and everything else. I have it. 

It almost seems like my life is together. 

Honey, never settle for a man who isn't going to want to brush his teeth with you or stops dead in his tracks when he sees you without make up on. 

Who watches in amazement when you're doing your makeup and getting dressed in that all black uniform for work. 

Someone who is proud to call you his. 

Because everyday shouldn't start with 

Thunderstorms starting, and lightning striking. 

Okay.

Okay. Just hear me out real quick. Imma mess I know, and a world you don't know. I am a continuous full baggage claim of all my problems, and I may take on too much sometimes. I have a couple of devils sitting on my shoulder, and angel locked in a cage in the back of my head-all telling me good and bad intentions on how to living a "normal" life. My life isn't ever going to be "normal". I wake up everyday with a struggle, and a new ladder to climb...and what looks like a grain of sand to you, is a couple mountains to me. I know I'm a handful-I told you that. You said you wanted to know, and I let you in and you ran..you've left just like everyone else did when you said you wouldn't. The moment you uttered the words "let me think", my heart sank. There is something about you that I want to know more. I want to see every side of you, get to know your habits, your reasonings, your mannerisms. Something pulls me in and I don't know what, I'm not sure why, and I sure has hell doing know exactly what I'm doing-writing this-but let me tell you a few things. I can be a thunderstorm in a desert, or a tornado in a small town, but I will love you more then you have ever been loved. You know why? Because I know what it is like to not be loved enough, not wanted, not cared for. I know what it is like to be alone. My heart, my mind, my body, and my soul are all for someone special-but I learn new lessons along the way. The night I sat in your living room, kissed your lips, and listened to your voice-I was okay-but, as soon as I left, I knew something wasn't right. What in the hell is so damn wrong with me? I know I'm strong, determined, possibly crazy, beautiful, passionate, and caring..but I also know I am lovable. But I just want to be loved by you. I can't get you out of my head right now..I wait for your name to pop up on my phone, but I know it never will. But just remember you are the one that wanted in. You are the one that wanted to know it all. You are the one who asked. I said no, and you kept asking-so I told you, and you ran...just tell me what I did so damn wrong. I'll just hear you out. Okay.

Two Players, One Winner...Me.

Most games you need two people.

But, oh honey, I don't need you. 

Here is to another year on the calendar of my new "birth-year" starting off like hell, and this one is thanks to you. 

A big, fat, loud, THANK YOU. 

Why don't you shove that crown up your ass a little farther and not tell me how it feels. 

Because, I don't care. 

Hell, I'll help you. 

Maybe I'll twist it around like you did with the knife in my back, or the strings you tied to my wrists. 

You put me in a pretty robe, gave me a lesser horse, and a smaller crown and called me your friend. 

You blinded me, and I thought I found another forever friend.

Oops, was I well mistaken. 

You found your so called Prince, over a faintly lit screen and a wireless telephone. 

You asked for your courts approval, it was given, and you blew a gasket. 

All hell broke loose. 

Let's play. 

I may look as if I'm a tiny mouse. 

A mouse your horse is afraid of, honey. 

That crown, is filled with air, that comes out of your ass, which you also blow up other people's asses. 

So, please do your court a favor and stick your nose in the air a little higher. 

Soon, no one will be there to hold your soap box up, and all you'll have is an empty bag of chips. 

Enough of my time, tears, money, laughs, and cares have been spent upon you. 

I'm done. 

A weight is gone. 

I'm happy. 

My life is loud again. 

I can scream and shout, without being summoned to a corner. 

When your Prince shows to just be a Jester, don't come crawling back. 

Cause you can't, honey. 

That bridge burned along time ago, and that path is a burning hell. 

Most games need two people. 

But, oh honey, I don't need you. 

I win. 

Middle Of A Memory.

You left me in the middle of a memory.
A heart filled, tear stained memory.
As my tires hit the 20 minuet long road from your house to mine.
I knew.
I knew it was over.
The relationship, memories, and everything yet to come.

It was all left behind me.
There you were: on your couch.
Blank stare on your face.
Three words are all your lips formed: "I don't know."
A couple pictures and my heart filled words ripped to shreads.
They found a new home in a black bag.
That's where I would be found too.

A black bag, a black room, a black hole.
Soon it started becoming brighter again; and then all of a sudden it was blinding.
Your number scrolled across my screen, like it never left.
You came back.
I believe all of your apologizes.
I'm trying so damn hard to understand.
We've both changed over the past three and half months.
I'm glad you're getting better.
I am too, I know you're happy for me.
But damn.
Damn did I miss you.
Damn am I confused.
Damn do I want it all back.
I never stopped loving you.
I never stopped wanting you.
And you told me the same.

Now you tell me you need me, and need my help.
You say you do and don't want a new and reformed relationship.
I just want to be here for you.
Even if it is just as a friend.

I wish.
I wish I could just be your drug.
Your rock.
I wish we could start over.
Continue on, though.
I wish my head would stop spinning.
Tears would quit knotting in the back of my throat.
I wish I could figure this out.
Figure us.
Figure me.
I wish we could just be done.
Skip the trial.

But I vow to you.
I vow to you that I will be here every step of them way.
No matter how much your words hurt.
No matter how bad I want you.
No matter how much I cry.
No matter how long it takes.
I will wait. I will be here.
I never stopped loving you.
I just can't seem to get that through your head.
I love you.

I love you, S.
Forever and for always.
But for now.
But for now.

A god damn memory I don't want is all you are.
A stupid little memory in the back of your mind is all I am.
As we figure this out.
You figure it out.

You left me in the middle of a memory.
A heart filled, tear stained memory.

Locked Up

Locked up.
Stuck.
Captured.
What is captured, you ask?
My world.
My thoughts, and feelings.
My love for myself.
My hopes and dreams.
All of it, held hostage.

It's all held hostage by not being.
Being accepted, and pressured.
Not pressured by drugs and such.
Not pressured by sex or lust.
Pressured by my own world.
Pressured by my own life.
Pressured by my own worries.

It is honestly lonely.
How is pressure lonely?
It is because I don't have anyone there.
Anyone to help hold this pressure up.
My shoulders, they aren't broad or strong enough.

Wait.
What am I doing?

I'm tired.
Tired of living this way.
Stuck, Captured, and Locked up.
My heart, shoudlers, and hands are tired.
Tired of holding that rock, or the umbrealla in the calm of the storm.

I'm just a little lost, but I will eventually get there.
Why? How?
With you next to me.

a confusing interruption

A confusing interruption.
That's what you are.
I was wonderfully happy until your name appeared.
You just waltzed right in without a warning.
Scrawled across my screen; that single letter, not even your name.
It hurt too much.
Why did you deserve your name, of all things, to be written in my phone, if I couldn't be written into your life?
Be the goal you worked towards and wanted.
Like you promised.

But that didn't matter.
It didn't for the last 2 and a half months.
All that mattered was the new girl, and how you felt.
I was shit to you.
I wasn't even worth the mud on the bottom of your boots.

Life for me became better, and brighter.
After I left the dark depths of my purple sheets we once shared.
The blackened room your laugh used to fill.
And the hole in my heart that you had filled only temporarily.

Things began to change, and so did I.
I stared to go out with friends, become a social butterfly.
Believe it or not, I tried drinking.
It didn't last long, a couple sips, and I couldn't bare the taste.
The burn. The horrible smell.
I've been to a couple parties here and there.
And as bad as it sounds, I slept in a couple beds that didn't belong to me.
I drove to Moscow for a couple dumb reasons.
Had
I've spent too much time staying up late, and worrying about how contoured my cheeks were.
But I needed something to fill the void.
The void of you being gone, and me being alone.reL
You had her.
You had someone to hold at night, to love and joke with.
You had someone to share everything we used to do together with.
You had her lips to kiss.
You had her hand to hold.
You had her to call baby.
You had it all.

I had memories that are fading and I'm not so sure are real anymore or not.
I had that pit of my stomach in knots.
I had restless nights filled with empty wishes and full tears.
I had everything you didn't, because you had her.

I look back now and realize that maybe things were meant to be with us apart.
Maybe things just were right at the wrong time.
Maybe this was just a test.
Maybe you were just a confusing interruption.

You did teach me some valuable lessons, and showed happier ways.
You made me believe I was beautiful for just a few short six months.
You also taught me I'm strong enough to get through anything that comes my way, even if the wrong people are around.

You still cross my mind.
Maybe it's certain words that are said.
Maybe it's a picture your mom posts on Facebook.
It could be a truck that is the same color, or make.
It could be the way someone's laugh sounds like yours or the mention of the same name.
Maybe it's something I'm doing that brings back a memory.
Maybe it's these purple sheets I love so dearly that you have a pillowcase that belongs to them.

Who knows what it is.
Maybe it's a mystery.
Maybe it is because you are thinking about me and the reason I'm loosing sleep at night is because you're dreaming of me.

All I know, is you still cross my mind.
And I don't know if I crossed yours because your single, and you missed me.
Maybe because I am the one for you.
But right now, I know that if you ever needed anything or anyone, I'd be there in a heartbeat.
No matter how much I swear I hate you when I'm crying.
How I blame things on you.
How I hate something now because of you.
How my heart is still mending its self together piece,
by piece,
by piece.
How my life and world was flipped upside down because of you, after I got everything glued back together and arranged on the shelves again.

But.
But, no matter what.
You.
S, You.
You will always be a confusing interruption.

A confusing interruption.
That's what you are.

Upside down and inside out.

Upside down and inside out.
Upside down is a new direction.
Inside out is a new direction.
New directions without you.
I headed North, home for 20 minuets.
Tear filled eyes, hoarse throat.
You locked me out.
Goodbye.

July 5th, 2:48 A.M.

The first hour was the worst.
I cried, sweating, on the cold bathroom floor.
The floor colder than your heart you claimed is gold.
I thought was gold.

July 5th, 3:48 A.M.

I was finally able to lay in bed without you.
My cheeks torn apart my tears and snot.
The inside of my t-shirt filled with mascara stains.

July 5th, 4:48 A.M.

Days passed without you.
Along with hours, seconds, and deep breathes.
I slowly began eating.
I began listening.
I began drying my tears and tearing myself away from the purple sheet we used once to share.

July 12th, 12:01 P.M.

I drive away from your house for the last time.
Dirt flying from behind the spinning tires.
Music thumping from speakers.
My life behind me.
Everything good I once knew in my rear view mirror.
Along with the new piece of gold plated copper you'll share your bed with.
You'll kiss, love, and adventure with.
But remember I'll forever be the first passenger in the brand new truck.

July 23rd, 3:46 P.M.

I have now began to understand happiness.
My upside down, inside out life is almost falling into place.
New adventures, new people.
An upside down view of the world is my new vice.
My vice without you.
withOUT you. Damn it feels good to say that.

August 13th, 12:30 P.M.

My best friend is home.
I'm happy.
Our tires hit the road to the city that is sleepless.
The city you promised to take me to.
The songs show up on the radio, online or not.
Our songs.
Trucks fly by, my four wheels dying to beat theirs.
Trucks of same brand, same color, same make, same model.
But the same people will never fill yours.
And that is okay.

August 15th, 6:08 P.M.
I'm home.
We are home, my friends and I.
My life for the past month has been a mess.
But I realized that of course it is.
My world got flipped upside down, and everything was turned over.
But this is a good kind of over.
I've met new people.
I've seen new things.
I've heard new noises.
And I didn't do with you.
No more tears.
No more fingers to lace together.
No more midnight love sessions.
No more weekend adventures.
With you.

August 19th, 2:12 A.M.
Adventures, and experiences have been commenced.
Life has began.
Smiles are genuine.
Laughs are loud and full again.
My nightmares are dreams again.
Midnight adventures sessions are coming to ends until the next day.
And I don't need YOU.

It's been 44 days.
23 hours.
40 minuets.
38 seconds since I've been without you.
And I've never felt so free.
I've never felt not trapped.
I'm me. I'm the music thumpin', hippie-vibin', cat lovin', loud laughin', girl you once fell in love with and you can't have her back.

I'm happy.
I'm in love win life.
I'm in love with myself.
I knew I could count on you for something.
Something, I just wasn't sure what.
I figured it out.
I could count on you to confirm people always leave, the only love you'll ever need is from yourself, and that life is a ride, you just gotta know how to hang on.

Thank you.
I'll forever be thankful for what you do for me, don't get me wrong.
But I'm really thankful for having you to teach me what the difference is between a boy and a man.
And I don't owe you anything.

August 19th, 2:24 A.M.

Im happy living my life.

Upside down and inside out.