Middle Of A Memory.

You left me in the middle of a memory.
A heart filled, tear stained memory.
As my tires hit the 20 minuet long road from your house to mine.
I knew.
I knew it was over.
The relationship, memories, and everything yet to come.

It was all left behind me.
There you were: on your couch.
Blank stare on your face.
Three words are all your lips formed: "I don't know."
A couple pictures and my heart filled words ripped to shreads.
They found a new home in a black bag.
That's where I would be found too.

A black bag, a black room, a black hole.
Soon it started becoming brighter again; and then all of a sudden it was blinding.
Your number scrolled across my screen, like it never left.
You came back.
I believe all of your apologizes.
I'm trying so damn hard to understand.
We've both changed over the past three and half months.
I'm glad you're getting better.
I am too, I know you're happy for me.
But damn.
Damn did I miss you.
Damn am I confused.
Damn do I want it all back.
I never stopped loving you.
I never stopped wanting you.
And you told me the same.

Now you tell me you need me, and need my help.
You say you do and don't want a new and reformed relationship.
I just want to be here for you.
Even if it is just as a friend.

I wish.
I wish I could just be your drug.
Your rock.
I wish we could start over.
Continue on, though.
I wish my head would stop spinning.
Tears would quit knotting in the back of my throat.
I wish I could figure this out.
Figure us.
Figure me.
I wish we could just be done.
Skip the trial.

But I vow to you.
I vow to you that I will be here every step of them way.
No matter how much your words hurt.
No matter how bad I want you.
No matter how much I cry.
No matter how long it takes.
I will wait. I will be here.
I never stopped loving you.
I just can't seem to get that through your head.
I love you.

I love you, S.
Forever and for always.
But for now.
But for now.

A god damn memory I don't want is all you are.
A stupid little memory in the back of your mind is all I am.
As we figure this out.
You figure it out.

You left me in the middle of a memory.
A heart filled, tear stained memory.

Locked Up

Locked up.
Stuck.
Captured.
What is captured, you ask?
My world.
My thoughts, and feelings.
My love for myself.
My hopes and dreams.
All of it, held hostage.

It's all held hostage by not being.
Being accepted, and pressured.
Not pressured by drugs and such.
Not pressured by sex or lust.
Pressured by my own world.
Pressured by my own life.
Pressured by my own worries.

It is honestly lonely.
How is pressure lonely?
It is because I don't have anyone there.
Anyone to help hold this pressure up.
My shoulders, they aren't broad or strong enough.

Wait.
What am I doing?

I'm tired.
Tired of living this way.
Stuck, Captured, and Locked up.
My heart, shoudlers, and hands are tired.
Tired of holding that rock, or the umbrealla in the calm of the storm.

I'm just a little lost, but I will eventually get there.
Why? How?
With you next to me.

a confusing interruption

A confusing interruption.
That's what you are.
I was wonderfully happy until your name appeared.
You just waltzed right in without a warning.
Scrawled across my screen; that single letter, not even your name.
It hurt too much.
Why did you deserve your name, of all things, to be written in my phone, if I couldn't be written into your life?
Be the goal you worked towards and wanted.
Like you promised.

But that didn't matter.
It didn't for the last 2 and a half months.
All that mattered was the new girl, and how you felt.
I was shit to you.
I wasn't even worth the mud on the bottom of your boots.

Life for me became better, and brighter.
After I left the dark depths of my purple sheets we once shared.
The blackened room your laugh used to fill.
And the hole in my heart that you had filled only temporarily.

Things began to change, and so did I.
I stared to go out with friends, become a social butterfly.
Believe it or not, I tried drinking.
It didn't last long, a couple sips, and I couldn't bare the taste.
The burn. The horrible smell.
I've been to a couple parties here and there.
And as bad as it sounds, I slept in a couple beds that didn't belong to me.
I drove to Moscow for a couple dumb reasons.
Had
I've spent too much time staying up late, and worrying about how contoured my cheeks were.
But I needed something to fill the void.
The void of you being gone, and me being alone.reL
You had her.
You had someone to hold at night, to love and joke with.
You had someone to share everything we used to do together with.
You had her lips to kiss.
You had her hand to hold.
You had her to call baby.
You had it all.

I had memories that are fading and I'm not so sure are real anymore or not.
I had that pit of my stomach in knots.
I had restless nights filled with empty wishes and full tears.
I had everything you didn't, because you had her.

I look back now and realize that maybe things were meant to be with us apart.
Maybe things just were right at the wrong time.
Maybe this was just a test.
Maybe you were just a confusing interruption.

You did teach me some valuable lessons, and showed happier ways.
You made me believe I was beautiful for just a few short six months.
You also taught me I'm strong enough to get through anything that comes my way, even if the wrong people are around.

You still cross my mind.
Maybe it's certain words that are said.
Maybe it's a picture your mom posts on Facebook.
It could be a truck that is the same color, or make.
It could be the way someone's laugh sounds like yours or the mention of the same name.
Maybe it's something I'm doing that brings back a memory.
Maybe it's these purple sheets I love so dearly that you have a pillowcase that belongs to them.

Who knows what it is.
Maybe it's a mystery.
Maybe it is because you are thinking about me and the reason I'm loosing sleep at night is because you're dreaming of me.

All I know, is you still cross my mind.
And I don't know if I crossed yours because your single, and you missed me.
Maybe because I am the one for you.
But right now, I know that if you ever needed anything or anyone, I'd be there in a heartbeat.
No matter how much I swear I hate you when I'm crying.
How I blame things on you.
How I hate something now because of you.
How my heart is still mending its self together piece,
by piece,
by piece.
How my life and world was flipped upside down because of you, after I got everything glued back together and arranged on the shelves again.

But.
But, no matter what.
You.
S, You.
You will always be a confusing interruption.

A confusing interruption.
That's what you are.